Going through bad time

I'm not having a good day for this past few weeks and I'm trying so hard to do something to make it better. For some people maybe this is not a big matter but to me it is. And I can understand if they don't understand why I'm acting like this right now.

I still hope someone can understand me but if there's nobody, I think I still can be fine as well :) For some people, they might think I'm pushing them away, but to be honest its not my intention to make all of you feel like that. I'm just protecting myself and you guys. As I can't control my emotion, and if you guys can't understand that, trust me, you will feel even worse than what you feel right now because I may hurt your feeling.

I can't help myself for being selfish right now. I'm a person who can't really express my feeling especially when I feel sad, depressed or angry. I am good in running away but when I decided to stop and not running, I will be very confuse and this is the result.

I can't force people to understand my feeling right now as I, myself don't know what I feel right now. I'm so thankful to those people who care a lot about me however, I'm sorry if I make the impression that I build a wall against all of you. To be frank, I need someone right now who can really have a big heart trying to understand my condition. Not making my days even worse. Ok you may think you did not make my days worse but that's not what I felt (like I said, I'm a selfish person right now).

I do hope that I can be "normal" again ASAP, but until that time arrived, I hope all of you hang on there. Don't give up on me (again being selfish).

From denial to acceptance

When you lose something you really love...
I believe I am not the only one who has experienced this: losing something you really love. It doesn't always have to be a person. Yes, it can be someone you love, but it can also be a job you lose, a dream that doesn't work, or just something you have to give up. If you're experiencing it, perhaps this is for you. You may think it is unfair, but it's a part of life, and everyone has to face this.

It's not easy. This feeling can be really painful. I can say it is one of the hardest moments in everyone's life, but that's life. Life doesn't always go the way you want it. The thing is, when you love something so much, you just want to keep it with you, and losing it is a thing you don't even want to imagine. But sometimes you just need to accept it, whether you want it or not.

It's true that everything has its end and you can't control everything. No matter how hard you try to avoid something to happen, sometimes it just happens. And the problem with people is, when it happens, a lot of us are not ready for it. You just deny it. You don't want to accept the truth, when it's just the truth.

Denial - It's the stage of life when you try to convince yourself that you don't lose it. You try so hard to get it back. You just want to prove yourself that it is not something permanent. Instead, you want to believe it is just a bad dream, not reality.

The truth hurts, but when it is done, it is done. What has gone is gone. When you lose it, you really lose it. Sometimes it's just the truth. All you have to do is to accept. It's hard to accept a bad thing, but denial doesn't lead to solution. Denial just gives you false hope which makes you feel more terrible in the end.

I'm not writing this to bring you down. I'm writing this because I also experience it. If there is one thing I can learn from it, it's that denial makes you stuck on something that doesn't make anything better but worse. So, the faster you accept the truth, the better it is.

"What should I do after I accept it?" Maybe that's the question you ask. All I can say is, don't lose hope. Just because you have to accept some difficult truths about your life, doesn't mean you have to believe life can't get better and there is no hope for you anymore. Bad things happen, but hope never ends. It may not be exactly what you want it to be, but acceptance helps you keep moving forward and brings you to the brighter days with better solution.

"Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same." –Bambi's Mother

Acceptance does not mean you give up on something you love. It means you're brave enough to let go and face the most difficult season in your life. When you do that, you'll be surprised that life can offer you more opportunities. Just because you lose something you love, doesn't mean you lose everything. Just because you have to give up on one thing, doesn't mean you have to give up on your life.

Accept reality, but change your point of view.

Perhaps one good moment in your life must end, but it doesn't mean your life ends at this point. Things change, but life goes on. Take courage to accept it. The best is yet to come.

Love is an investment?

Masih ingat apa yang dibilang orang-orang (bisa keluarga, teman, sahabat) ketika kita sedang jatuh cinta dengan seseorang? Ini pendapat temen temen gue : “Jangan kasih seratus persen, deh… Sisain buat kamu sendiri supaya nggak terlalu sakit kalau ternyata musti udahan…” “Beri lima puluh persen saja, sisanya buat kamu…” “Gimana kalau kamu beri dia dua puluh persen? Perlahan-lahan tambahkan beberapa persen, tapi jangan sampai seratus!”

So, are you familiar with these sayings? Tentang berhati-hati saat ‘menginvestasikan’ hati kamu pada seseorang? Sekadar jaga-jaga saja agar kamu tidak perlu kalah dan mendadak bangkrut karena kehilangan semuanya? Don’t put every thing in the table for you might end up losing every thing? Hhhh...I’m tired to hear all these sayings. Berhati-hati. Jangan beri seratus persen. Sisakan buat dirimu sendiri (atau bahkan orang lain). Bla-bla-bla.

When it comes to love… or a feeling…. can you manage to give a good share of heart and keep the other share just for you, supaya kamu tidak kehilangan semuanya when you lose the game? And also, does Math really work in feelings? Well, I don’t know how it works with you or not, but surely, it doesn’t work with me. Gue bodoh soal matematika. Gue bodoh soal neraca laba rugi. Gue bodoh soal hitung-hitungan. Dan gue merasa drop dead stupid kalau menggunakan matematika untuk urusan perasaan gue. I’ve had enough Math in my life; jadi gue ga pengen menggunakannya untuk urusan hati dan cinta gue.

Buat gue… loving someone so much isn’t an investment…  sepertinya tidak jauh berbeda dengan menginvestasikan dana segar ke stock market dan berharap gue beruntung mendapatkan hasil yang terbaik. Kalau gue membeli terlalu banyak sementara roda ekonomi berputar dan tiba-tiba harganya jatuh, gue akan kehilangan semuanya. Tapi kalau gue membeli sedikit saja lalu kalah, gue masih bisa tersenyum dengan separuh dana segar yang tidak jadi gue belikan di awal investasi. Tapi apakah semudah itu? Semudah membeli saham?

To be honest I cannot manage my own feeling, menjaganya sampai ke batas tertentu supaya kelak gue tidak terluka. Mungkin gue terlalu naif atau bodoh, tapi buat gue, love is too precious to be assumed as a stock market.Ini adalah cinta; yang memiliki kehendaknya sendiri… untuk bertumbuh, berkembang, atau mati…. in any ways that it like. Love isn’t about investment, karena gue lebih memilih jatuh cinta, menikmati perasaan deg-degan saat jatuh cinta, menangis saat putus cinta lalu belajar banyak dari patah hati, daripada belum-belum sudah mengkalkulasi untung rugi ala Akuntan.. It’s love; dan gue memilih untuk menikmatinya saja.